Small Qalbi

"In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful."

January 3, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — Nich on roll @ 2:35 pm

Assalamualaykum my dearest readers!

Other than my blog here, I also write for AAT. So, you can find my articles there.


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Anxiety – and relapse October 6, 2016

Filed under: personal — Nich on roll @ 2:18 am
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In the name of Allah.

If you have been a follower of my blog, you would know my struggles. I haven’t been updating my blog, simply because, I am at the point of my life, in which I am trying to build some strength to face the world, and shut off every negative vibes thrown to my face.

Over the course of four years, I had mini relapse – here and there. Three weeks ago, that was the worst. I was on the edge for three days. I snapped on the third day. I had anxiety. I couldn’t function at work, suffocated, literally shaking and my heart was palpitating. A friend talked me into going to see my doctor. I did. I am back to square one, and back on meds.

Yes, mental illness is not like physical illness. Instead of getting sympathy, you have people mocking you and looking down on you. I have people telling me that I lack eeman (faith). Let me tell you this. No one. No one wants to have illness – be it physical or mental. There are things beyond our control. There are times when we needed professional help.

I do not take pride of admitting that I have issues – or illness, but, this is who I am. You are not in my shoes to judge me that I am exaggerating. You do not know how it feels. It isn’t the best feeling in the world. Just like you can’t control the coughing and cold, I can’t control my anxiety, or my depression. I have tried to avoid things that could trigger it. It also means that I am shutting myself off from everyone.

How many times do you tell people that you have depression, and you were told to get over it? It doesn’t have a switch button. I can’t just turn it on and off, whenever I like. Instead of helping, you are making things worse.

Why do I insist on talking about this? I know there are people who are facing the same issues as me. I know they are scared. It is considered taboo in our society. They would most likely to drag you to see a shaman or witchdoctor, instead of a professional. I know the stigma. I know. I understand.

I’m just tired.


One goal February 15, 2016

Filed under: personal,random — Nich on roll @ 2:17 am

In the name of Allah. 

While browsing on Facebook, reading through newsfeed, a video caught my attention. It tells what love is supposed to means. It started listing things like cooking together, dancing together, bla bla yadda yadda. Then it hits me. This was the problem. 

We often wonder why there are times when we got frustrated with spouse, family and friends. The answer is we expect too much from them. We have this idealistic image of what our spouse should look like, and how they should act. Some of us even started listing down their #relationshipgoals. I think it is time we stop putting others on pedestal, and expect them to bring us happiness. No one can bring us happiness. No, that was not me being a pessimist, but that was me being realistic. 

I told my friend, if I have all those checklist (cooking, dancing, reading, bla bla), I wouldn’t be marrying my husband. I will go crazy when we don’t see eye to eye on things. Let’s face it, my husband and I are the opposite of each other. I am not your typical Malay wife. I spend more time on reading books than I should. The thing is, when my husband and I got to know each other, we only have one common goal in this marriage. Our goal : to attain Allah’s pleasure. That’s it. Once we set that goal, everything just fall into places. We tolerate each others’ quirkiness, we appreciate our different interests, we come to terms to each others’ flaws, and we cherish each others’ companies (even when we spend time next to each other minding our own business, him playing games, and I, reading book). We were able to this because of our one goal in life. When hardship hit me, I would evaluate this worldly life, and recap back. Is it really worth the trouble to face Allah’s wrath?

There is one thing that I understood clearly at this stage. I can’t put my happiness in the hands of other human, other creations. A flawed creation, who were no better or no lesser than me. I will never have any contentment in life. I will keep on questioning why so and so broke my heart, brought me down, pushed me down drain. I began to understand, only I can bring my own happiness. I started to accept that people will never be there for you all the time. We all have one common goal in life, and it wasn’t pleasing each others’. Sometime we overlooked others’ needs and break their heart without intending too. So, why do I expect others not to be unintentionally careless too? 

Be content with all the blessings. Live life to the fullest (according to Islamic guidelines that is). Put your trust and happiness in the hands of Allah. Trust me, you will see a different outcome.  

May Allah guide us all to the righteous path, the way of the salaf-us-saalih. May Allah strengthened our eeman, and be steadfast in the deen. May Allah protect us from the evil ways and hellfire. Ameen Ya Rabb.


Stigma and Relapse October 5, 2015

Filed under: personal,random — Nich on roll @ 5:57 pm
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In the name of Allah.

It has been a little over a year since my last post. I’ve become jaded. For the past year, I have let people walked all over me. Multiple times, I have lost my way in life, and I had few relapses with self mutilation. I do not take pride of it. I hated it. I who keep on congratulating myself for my ability to quit my medication cold turkey. I the one who managed to keep myself out of trouble for 2 years. I eventually failed.

Few days ago, I got depressed at work. I was numb, agitated, anxious, suffocated. I wanted to vomit and ended up crying. I started hating myself and listing my flaws. Alhamdulillah, I have friends who keeps on reminding me of my worthy.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to see a doctor, for my coughing. I have been coughing for almost 2 months now. So he started talking about my BPD.

Doc : how long did you get off medication? when was the last time you take it?

Me : 2012.

Doc : Are you okay now?

Me : It’s still there. (at this point, I was anxious and agitated)

Doc : Why did you stop?

Me : Peer pressure. I had a lot of people telling me to stop.

Doc : Why? You shouldn’t have. You do not need to listen to people

Me : It’s taboo you know. The whole mental illness thing. It’s hard to get people to understand.

Doc : It’s only in Asia! Mental illness is just like flu. You need medication for flu. You need it for your moodswings too. Don’t listen to others. This is for you. Think about yourself.

At this point. I did not know what to do.

There are times, when I wish I had prozac to numb me. There are times when I couldn’t do anything. There are times when I feel so suffocated. Crowd still triggers my anxiety. Petty things still triggers my depression. I am still impulsive. I still have crazy moodswings. I still prefer to be left alone. I am still socially awkward. I still have this irrational fear to start a conversation. I still have fear of abandonment. In short, I am still me. Unlike last time, prior to medication, I have better control now. I am getting better at masquerading too.

Heck, I had to quit my part time contribution at AAT. It had become a burden and a source of my depression. I need to have control over my life again. It’s hard to make people understand, that I am not playing around. People keep on telling me that I will get over it, and it’s just for short terms. If it was that easy to get over it, why in the world was I struggling with this for over 10 years? It is not easy. Every now and then, I had relapse.

I told my friend, I am thankful that I haven’t been blessed with children. With my condition, I don’t think I could handle things well. I treasure my ME time, everyday. Everyday, I look forward to my ME time. Alone in my room without anyone disturbing me. I do not know how I could do that with children… (of course people will never understand, and  will keep on harassing me in regards to my not having children).

Seriously, I do not know what to do. I am lost. Okay. Not lost as in losing faith or anything. After my relapse, I always regret things. I ended up hating myself, for being so weak to succumb to depression and self harm. I know! I am not making any sense here. I worked so hard stopping myself before. The scars are fading, and yet here I am, creating new scars. A part of me, wants to continue with my treatment, that I have abandoned for 3 years. Another part of me are bombarded with words that have been thrown at me, and I am surrendering myself to others.

I need to get off the computer. I am just entertaining myself with my inability to fall asleep before 12. It is 1:50 am now though. Oh, To those who are struggling. You’ll never walk alone. Tehee.

Note : If you are expecting an Islamic content, I apologised. This blog is my documentation of my journey in this life on finding my way back. BPD has always been my inner demon. It will always be a part of me. 

Note 2 : I read this book, “Get me out of here – Rachel Reiland”. A good book. Although I wasn’t able to finish it. It hits a little too close to home. 


Crawling in the dark… September 2, 2014

Filed under: personal,random — Nich on roll @ 6:17 am
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In the name of Allah…

In this walk of life, we are given different tests and trials. All depends on our capabilities. But we only have one solution, that is going back to Allah. Doesn’t matter how trouble our life is, or how messed up we are, that is the one and only solution. Yes, no one walk in our shoes, but, we never walk in others’ shoes too. Does it mean that when one is facing this test, it’s okay for them to move away from Allah? No. As I mentioned earlier. Remembering Allah is our one and only hope and solution in this dunya. Why? For we are the servants with no power, and The Almighty is our maker.

I know this for I was a troubled and messed up human – heck, maybe I still am. Battling with depression wasn’t easy. Waking up dreading to face the world, with remnants of memories keeps flashing back at the back of your head. You wake up every morning and put on your mask. Life is nothing but a masquerade. Each one with fake smile plastered on their faces, whilst their soul crumble away. My pessimistic view in life and self loathing didn’t get my anywhere, but a comfortable corner in my room. This, has always been my solace. It was easy to go crazy at this point. When you use self mutilation as an escape from your emotional pain, and letting your impulsivity to rule your life, that was another step closer to madness. From red scars and bloods, to suicidal fantasy and multiple suicide attempts. Life didn’t get any better. This wasn’t me against the world, this was me against myself. Self loathing was something I consumed everyday – in a big dose.  Useless and burden – those were my mantra. The one that I keep chanting to myself, reminding of who I really was. I was never on top. I live my life not for me. Everything I did was for an acceptance. For my fear of being alone. Everyday I just want to get numb, so that I can’t feel, I can’t think. I want to stand up, but I know I couldn’t. At least not by myself. The mood swings get erratic. One moment I was laughing gaily, the next I will be punching and kicking, and cried after that. It was an ongoing battle. Not to lose it all. The anxiety, the palpitations, the headaches, the blackouts, the nausea. Everything has gone beyond my control. I was no longer in control of my life. I have let this monster ruin me.

A meeting with a psychiatry wasn’t anticipated. I was nervous and dreading it. But I need it, I need my sleep. There’s just as much a 2 hours and 4 hours sleep a day can get you. Plus I was tired. I was tired of running away. I was tired of shutting myself down. I wanted to do it for my family. I can’t bear the sight of my mother crying for me whenever I had my suicide attempts. Pouring my heart out, to someone who I know wouldn’t judge me for my flaws, that was all I asked for. For once, like a river flowing, there was no restraining. The highlight of my life was when the doctor told me and explain to me what Borderline Personality Disorder was. I was scared and broken hearted. I walked away with sadness. I cried for hours. Having a mental condition was a taboo. Having a name for it was a curse and blessing. A curse for now I have people mocking me for being “crazy”, and a blessing, for I now have a name for this monster. After years of struggling with this monster, now I can call it something.

No, I am not sharing my life for the world to mock me and judge me. I want people to see, there is a way out. There is always a way out. I am not blaming those around me for their lack of help when I needed them. I only have myself to blame. It was my ego that refused to get help. I am not going to blame my parents for my lack of faith. It was my own fault that I succumb to the devil, when I know better. It was I who push people away. It was I who resort to being a recluse. It was I who embrace this monster with arms wide open.

I wouldn’t say I am cured now. Perhaps, I will never be. I just got better than before. Every now and then, I see “him”, lurking around the corner, like a shadow, waiting for any moment now to jump on me. I keep on telling myself, I do not walk that path anymore. I no longer want it. Let it be a long gone memory, with scars as a constant reminder of who I was, or am. It wasn’t easy. I still got depressed. I still hate crowds and got anxious when I am in. I still have those fear. There are moments when I wake up and I want to end my misery. I just want to end it all. There are times when I see there is no hope in me. People tell me to forgive and forget. I can’t. Forgiving was easy. Forgetting was not. Everyday, a flash of joints and pieces keeps on knocking on my head. At times, I just want it all gone. I want it to leave me alone. But this is me. Like it or not, this monster has been a significant portion of my life.

People see me as a no nonsense niqabi with a good head on her shoulder, as an attentive teacher, as a happy friend. They didn’t get to see the real face behind the mask. The vulnerable soul, the shattered beyond repair person that I am…  I spent my life building this facade, to entertain others, but deep inside, I was broken. No. I still am.

Sometimes we need to stop running. We need to face the harsh reality. We need it to survive. Eventhough if it means you are baring your soul for the world to see…  Getting help doesn’t make you weak. It means you are strong. Strong enough to admit your weakness for a better life ahead. Strong enough that you are not willing to succumb to this madness and wallowing in your sorrow…


Where is my happiness? April 29, 2014

Filed under: Islam,personal — Nich on roll @ 10:51 am

In the name of Allah, The Creator, The Sustainer, The Source of Peace.

Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah . Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured. (13:28)

Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer – We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do. (16:97)


One day, I wanted to go out with the husband. I was excited. Then, he heard there’s an online lecture that he wants to attend. I was annoyed. Then he told me, he could just listen to the recording. That was like a slap on my face. I had this mounting guilt. Would him sacrificing his love for ilm for me, enough to make me happy? No. I know it is going to haunt me forever.

I told him no. He is going to attend the online lecture. There’s always next time for us to go out. This is the husband that has been patience with me. He didn’t mind that I have to wake up at 2 am to attend online class, or that I have Quraan class on his off day. Then I realised, this is what makes me happy. Our mutual love for knowledge and us helping each other to attain Allah’s pleasure.

The same thing with my parents. My happiness lies when I help them seeking Allah’s pleasure. Teaching my mum Quraan, and showing her the sunnah makes me happy. I enjoy helping them as much as I possibly could.

Few weeks ago, I had a conversation with the sisters in my Quraan class on polygyny (Ah! Some would hate this). Alhamdulillah, it was a good conversation. We were open about it, and accepting. The key phrase here is “to seek Allah’s pleasure”. When we have only one goal in this life, which is “to seek Allah’s pleasure”, everything will come smoothly, insyaAllah. Yes, we may hit potholes and bumps, but we will get through it, InsyaAllah. Our dealing with the creations revolve around our eagerness to seek Allah’s pleasures. Once we are firmed on relying our happiness on The Creator, and we start following the guidelines in Islam (amongst them, the relationship between husband and wife according to Islam and parents and children), then we realised, that is our happiness. For example, we treat our husband nicely, because Allah has told us to. We treat our parents nicely, because Allah has commanded us to do so. If we want to seek Allah’s pleasure, we wouldn’t have any trouble accepting any tests and trials thrown to our faces. Eventhough some of them is hard to swallow. Remind me of this story told to us in one of our online class.

Urwah bin Zubair (RA) was a famous Companion of Prophet (Peace be upon him) and a profound scholar of fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence). He, who was blessed with immense knowledge, was tested by countless trials and tribulations. His leg was infected with gangrene- a fatal disease. He pacified the searing pain with the power of supplication. Physicians recommended to amputate his leg as there was no other remedy for the disease. He had to accept their recommendation owing to the unbearably burning pain.

As the day arrived for his leg to be removed, the physician came with a sedative medicine.. What is this for? Urwah (RA) asked. “To make you unconscious! You will not feel the pain then”. Physician’s reply made Urwah (RA) angry. “To make me unconscious? Then I don’t need this medicine! My heart is filled with the remembrance of my Lord. He is my strength and power. You may remove my leg, isn’t that all you need to do?”

The Physician was surprised. He amputated Urwah’s (RA) leg without any sedation. Praises of Allah reverberated on Urwah’s (RA) mind and tongue. Night fell and another sad tiding reached him- one of his sons fell off the horse and died. Two awful ordeals as far as a man is concerned. Loss of an organ and a son, both on the same day!

Urwah (RA) wished to see the amputated leg for the last time. Physicians handed over the still-bleeding leg to him. Looking at the leg, with a trembling heart he said: “O my leg, you are going to heaven. I swear by the One Who mounted me on you, I haven’t committed any sin with your help. By pressing your toes on earth, I haven’t walked into any wrongdoings. But I have walked into the house of Allah without bothering whether it was day or night, sunny or raining…”

That night, he supplicated deep down from his heart “O Lord! How Merciful You are! From birth till now how many organs You gave me! But You have taken only one back so far. You gave me six children, but You have recalled only one. You are Merciful and Loving”. (Incident mentioned in `Uddat as-sabirin wa dhakhirat ash-shakirin’ by Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah and ‘Hayat Al sahaba’)

Here’s the problem on why we failed to attain happiness. That happens when we put our happiness on the hands of the creations (on our parents, on our wives/husbands, on our children), instead of putting our happiness on The Creator. We expect the creations to bring us happiness. So when they hurt us, or failed to satisfy us, we got unhappy.

And whoever turns away from My remembrance – indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind.

He will say, “My Lord, why have you raised me blind while I was [once] seeing?”

[ Allah ] will say, “Thus did Our signs come to you, and you forgot them; and thus will you this Day be forgotten.” (20:124-126)

Here’s 10 steps to happiness : 

  1. Seek the pleasure of Allah
  2. Be thankful
  3. Satisfy your soul
  4. Avoid Worldly comparisons
  5. Expect only from Allah
  6. Serve others and maintain relations
  7. Get adequate rest and organise your life
  8. Build a support group
  9. Eat Halal
  10. Keep Fit!

Source and further read : Here

May Allah guide us all to the righteous path, the way of the salaf-us-saalih. May Allah strengthened our eeman, and be steadfast in the deen. May Allah protect us from the evil ways and hellfire. Ameen Ya Rabb.


Fear February 11, 2014

Filed under: Islam,my take,personal,random — Nich on roll @ 12:15 pm

In the name of Ar Rahman, Al Khaleeq, Ar Razzaq

Have you ever wonder how are you going to end up? We do not know what Allah has plan for us. All we need to do, and the only thing we can do, is to keep on striving to be a better muslim, and work hard in attaining Allah’s pleasure. To be honest, the world scares me… There’s just too much temptation, at times, I am afraid to even face the world. I am afraid that I could fall for this temptation… I do not trust myself.

“And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion.”
(Al Quraan, 3:185)

I was discussing with a friend yesterday, about famous heretic poems  by certain famous individual that I refused to name here. (Let’s face it, I do not want my blog tainted with it). We were discussing that these poems contains blatant shirk. Like, he was not even trying to cover it up. It was there. Open for the world to see. We were wondering, how something this obvious, could fool a lot of people too. I have seen practicing muslimah quoting these poems! Scary ain’t it?

Whilst discussing, I looked up for more of craziness in the Islamic world. I found muslims believing in the theory of evolution (Darwin, yes). Finally, I found a story of a former scholar, who turned to atheism. This story shook me. He was a scholar, actived in dawa salafiyyah, and turned to atheist! Atheist!

I woke up with a paranoia. Yes. I am scared. If someone with vast knowledge like him, ended up as a kuffar. What of someone like me? Someone with minimal knowledge? I fear for myself. I want to be steadfast in this deen. I want a place in jannah, with my Nabi, Salallahu Alayhi Wassalam. I do not want to end up in hell.

“Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower” (Al Quraan, 3:8)

The Messenger of Allah (Salallahu Alayhi Wassalam) supplicated:
” اللهم مصرف القلوب صرف قلوبنا على طاعتك ”
(O Allah! Controller of the hearts, direct our hearts to Your obedience).
(Saheeh Muslim)

May Allah guide us all to the righteous path, the way of the salaf-us-saalih. May Allah strengthened our eeman, and be steadfast in the deen. May Allah protect us from the evil ways and hellfire. Ameen Ya Rabb.